The House Next Door

"My Diner With Andre." I can't come up with a coherent plot summary, but "and Wallace Shawn as Robert 'Boogie' Sheftell" should give you the gist.

Nice piece, Keith.

I would watch Crash Crash just for the casting.

"My Crazy/Beautiful Laundrette"

When a racist white British punk (DD Lewis) who dreams of becoming an RAF pilot falls in love with the disturbed son (Jay Hernandez) of a wealthy Mexican immigrant family, the Mexican boy's father (Hector Elizondo) objects to the affair--but not because he thinks the punk is unworthy of his son. Quite the contrary. It's because he believes his crazy son's chaotic personality will ruin the punk's chances of becoming an RAF pilot. But Lewis and Hernandez defy parental wishes and societal expectations by moving in together, opening a chain of astonishingly successful laundrettes, and becoming rich beyond their wildest dreams. Hector realizes that he has misjudged his crazy son and gives the lovebirds his blessing. They have a big, fat Mexican wedding and live happily ever after.

Hilarious!

My vote:

Roller Boogie Nights: Linda Blair does Dirk Diggler!

"The Best of the Best Years of Our Lives." Marginalized WW II vets in martial arts combat to the death.

"Bringing up Baby Boy." With Tyrese Gibson instead of a leopard.

"Saturday Night of the Living Dead Fever." Tony Manero's looking kind of pale.

"Open City of God." Lots more gunplay than in Rossellini's Neorealist classic, and a much more exciting soundtrack.

"Braveheart Huckabees." Wherein William Wallace goes looking for existential answers instead of revenge.

"Swept Away by an Unusual Destiny in the Deep Blue Sea of August." A torrid desert island love affair shatters class taboos. Then the sharks show up.

"The Last American Virgin Suicides." In which the quest to get laid ends badly.

The Good, the Bad News Bears and the Ugly - Clint blows away a bunch of obnoxious softball players, then gets drunk with Walter Matthau.

The Big Easy Lebowski - the Dude inveastigates a series of gang rug pissings.

A Star Wars is Born - Princess Leia falls in love with Han Solo, only to realize she is developing as a Jedi and he is developing a severe case of alcoholism.

"Broadcast Newsies" -- a musical starring Christian Bale as a perfection-obsessed TV PR executive who can't decide between the dim bulb he's attracted to (William Hurt) or the best friend he can't stop talking to (Albert Brooks)

"A Long Day's Journey Into Nightmare on Elm Street" -- Mary Tyrone (Katharine Hepburn) finds her opium hallucinations haunted by a facially scarred man with razor blades for fingers (Robert Englund) who still insists on giving many long, florid speeches while terrorizing her.

"Million Dollar Baby Face" -- Despite his better instincts, an aging boxing manager (Clint Eastwood) takes on a female fighter (Barbara Stanwyck) who then goes on to destroy the lives of all the men he knows.

"The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King & I" -- The hobbits and their friends finally destroy the dreaded ring before restoring the king of Siam (Yul Brynner) to his throne, which he finds inconceivable and which his children's schoolteacher (Deborah Kerr) finds has way too many endings to be plausible.

"Schindler's List of Adrian Messenger" -- A German businessman tries to help save his Jewish workers from the Nazis, but he keeps being infiltrated by the fascists wearing unbelievable complex makeup to hide star cameos.

"Rain Man of La Mancha" -- A hustler (Tom Cruise) discovers that he has an older half-brother he never knew about (Richard Kiley) who never stops singing about windmills.

"Out of Africa Screams" -- Author Isak Dinensen (Meryl Streep) must cope with the two new hired hands on her African estate (Abbott & Costello)

"Ordinary People Under the Stairs" -- an upper middle-class WASP family must cope with the accidental death of their son caused by strange people hiding within their house.

"In the Heat of the Night of the Hunter" -- An African-American police detective (Sidney Poitier) clashes with the redneck sheriff of a Southern town (Rod Steiger) over the case of a preacher (Robert Mitchum) terrorizing small children.

"My Fair Lady Sings the Blues" -- A professor's experiment at turning a cockney flower girl into a proper lady is complicated by her heroin addiction and love of jazz.

"Around the World in 80 Days of Thunder" -- a NASCAR racer (Tom Cruise) insists on traveling between races in a hot-air balloon.

"The Lost Weekend" -- Directed by Jean-Luc Godard, an alcoholic spends two hours sifting through a massive car wreck for a bottle of booze.

"It Happened One Night of the Living Dead" -- a reporter's attempt to get a story about a fleeing heiress is complicated by zombies.

"Raging Bull Durham"

Based on the true life story of veteran minor-league boxer Jake "Crash" LaDavis, Raging Bull Durham focuses on the rage and violence that makes Jake virtually unstoppable in the ring and irresistible to boxing groupie Vicky Savoy, whose sexual favors can magically advance boxing careers. But when Vicky makes an offhand remark about Jake's "good-looking" younger brother, the up-and-coming boxer Joey "Nuke" LaDavis, Jake suspects a comic love triangle may be developing, and the same anger that makes Jake a relentless killing machine in the ring also sends him down a self-destructive spiral of paranoia and rage--and toward a bittersweet ending that will warm your heart.

Upcoming:

Rockalypto Balboa
The Good German Shepherd
The Dead Factory Girl
DOA: The Rise of Taj

More suggestions for plot descriptions:

Little Children of Men

The INLAND EMPIRE Strikes Back

The Nativity Story of Us

This is Spinal Taps

John Carpenter's They Live and Let Die

The Spy Who Loved Me and You and Everyone We Know

A pair of boxing flicks:

"My Big Fat City"

Sleeper about lovable ethnic stereotypes in the seamy world of washed-up small-time boxers.

"A Cinderella Man Story"

To feed her family during the Great Depression, an aging, out-of-shape Hillary Duff is forced to return to the ring and fight a notoriously dirty boxer--who turns out to be her Prince Charming. Romantic complications ensue and valuable life lessons are learned.

Heartwarming family fun for the holiday seasons:

"Christmas with Crank"

Professional assassin Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) learns that his rival has injected him with a poison that will kill him if his heart rate drops. But when his daughter decides at the last minute to come home for Christmas, he must frantically put together a holiday celebration--and the hilariously stressful complications that ensue keep him (and hope) alive!

Man. I can't wait to see "Rockalypto Balboa."

"Man. I can't wait to see Rockalypto Balboa."

Ditto.

Not a true portmanteau title, but timely one nonetheless:

"A Happy Holidays Story"

Ralphie has to convince his parents, teachers, and Santa that a Red Ryder BB gun really is the perfect Christmas gift for the 1940s. Unfortunately, those evil secular humanists are waging a vicious War Against Christmas. But with the help of talk-radio phenom Father Coughlin and an energized Southern Baptist congregation, Ralphie and his crew win a triumphant victory when they bully local merchants into saying "Merry Christmas!" again like they're supposed to, goddammit!

Distribution limited to red states.

White Nights & the City: London hustler Harry Fabian (Richard Widmark) sets up a ballet company with the help of Soviet defector Mikhail Baryshnikov, but runs afoul of the owner of the a established London ballet, leading to a furious dance off between Baryshnikov and Gregory Hines, the star of the other ballet company.

Casualties of War of the Worlds: A group of soldiers led by Tom Cruise kidnap and rape an alien during the Vietnam War.

A few more...

"Glengarry Glen or Glenda": A transvestite competes with his ruthless co-workers for the good leads. The Glengarry leads.

"The Sixth Sense & Sensibility": A little boy is haunted by visions of a family of 19th century English girls looking for love.

"Hard 8 1/2": Phillip Baker Hall teaches Phillip Seymour Hoffman the ropes of not making a movie - with guest star Claudia Cardinale!

jimmy: "Casualties of War of the Worlds" is another one I'd like to see. In fact, I wish I was watching it right now.

"Wet Hot American Summer of Sam"

Misfits and cool kids band together at an Italian-American summer camp to catch a famous serial killer. Who's behind all the murders? Is it the bisexual punk rocker with the big nose? Or the fat screaming mailman with the talking dog? These questions will all be resolved, of course, during the big talent show at the end of the day.

Two for the art-house crowd:

"I Am Curious Yellow Submarine"

Peter Max's colorful animation enhances this pretentious self-referential film about the Fab Four's investigation of Swedish socialism. The psychedelic John & Yoko sex scenes earned it some notoriety and an X rating.

"Show Me Love Story"

Two small-town Swedish girls become so obsessed with the Ali MacGraw tearjerker that they turn lesbian.

The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert Fox -- Field Marshal Rommell (James Mason) reveals a softer side as he embraces cross-dressing and ABBA songs as he moves across Africa.

Do the Right Thing (from Another World) -- Racial tensions in Bedford Stuy heat up as a shape-shifting alien keeps taking over members of various ethnic groups just to stir up trouble.

Malcolm X -- the Man With X-Ray Eyes: A militant civil rights leader has a conversion after a Hajj to Mecca and develops the ability to see through solid objects, preventing his own assassination.

Match Point of No Return: A tennis pro tries to take care of a troublesome mistress, unaware that she's actually been trained as an assassin.

All Reservoir Dogs Go to Heaven -- An animated tale of some singing-and-dancing crooks and a botched heist.

What's My Thin Red Line? -- A panel of blindfolded celebrity guests ask questions of World War II soldiers and try to distinguish them from one another.

This is actually one a friend of mine made up years ago; only the casting suggestions are mine:

"Titanaconda" - Kate Winslet forgets all about cold-hearted fiancee Jon Voight when sensitive, free-spirited artist Ice Cube sweeps her off her feet. But how long can lovers' bliss last, when they're trapped on the world's largest ship as it's being swallowed by the world's largest snake?

Thanks, Matt - I'd love to see Braveheart Huckabees, myself... I will now push my luck by offering a few more...

"Birth of a National Treasure:" Nicolas Cage leads an intrepid band of Klansmen through Civil War-era Antarctica, New York City, Washington, and Philadelphia in search of the Founding Father's buried treasures - with Harvey Keitel as Abraham Lincoln.

"2001: A Space Cowboy": Clint Eastwood voyages to the far reaches of the solar system with the help of wacky sidekick HAL to prove that he's still got - wait for it - the right stuff.

"American History X-Men": Young, idealistic Wolverine's mind is poisoned by evil white supremacist Professor Charles Xavier, until prison buddy Magneto shows him that it's better to love than hate. Aww.

"The Hunt for Reds": Jack Reed (Warren Beatty) hijacks a Soviet sub and engages in a game of cat and mouse with old drinking buddy/CIA analyst Eugene O'Neill (Jack Nicholson).

Sorry, one more:

"Over the Topsy Turvy": Gilbert and Sullivan (Stallone and Jim Broadbent), unable to settle their differences with words, enter the world of competitive arm wrestling.

Speaking of the divine Ms. Winslet...

"Fierce, Heavenly Creatures"

Zookeepers Kate Winslet and Melanie Lynskey become so fiercely attached to each other that, when an evil corporate tycoon (hammily played by Kevin Kline) takes over the zoo and tries to break up their relationship, they literally lead him down the garden path and then bash his skull in with a homemade cosh. Python alum John Cleese has a cameo as "an aging, Brilliantined stick insect".

Oh, man, Jimmy's killing us here.

My favorite so far is Christmas with Crank. Just the idea of Statham in a heartwarming Christmas comedy/thriller...

I can't believe that no one's done anything for the now late Peter Boyle yet. Young Frankenstein Unbound, anyone? (Or Young Frankenstein Conquers the World, even.)

A couple others:

The New World According to Garp.

Kung Fu Hustle and Flow.

Last Sátántangó in Paris.

The Wages of Fear of a Black Hat.

Conspiracy Theorists of Pleasure.

Wizard of Zardoz.

La Dolce Vita é Béla.

Curse of the Cat People Under the Stairs.

The Passenger 57 (Jack Nicholson swaps identities with an airline security expert and finds himself battling terrorists)

And this is a bit of cheating (or not), considering the movie version doesn't come out till next year but: Punch-Drunk Love in the Time of Cholera.

Thanks, Keith. BTW and completely off-topic, I was pleased that you reviewed the Naruse retrospective last year. I was displeased that you were the only film critic to do so. He's a shamefully neglected filmmaker.

Anyway, my last one for the day...

"Mulholland Dr. Strangelove"

A maimed German rocket scientist living in Hollywood befriends a beautiful amnesiac and tries to find out who she is and why someone wants to kill her. After many bizarre misadventures, a hallucination caused by eating fluoridated ice cream (children's ice cream) reveals the twisted truth about Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge.

The Diatribe here. I forgot my password...


Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Family Stone

Guest appearance by Sarah Jessica Parker as Ron's rat.

Harry Potter and the Spanish Prisoner of Azkaban.

Script by David Mamet. Guest appearance by Steve Martin as Dementor.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and Lies.

Mike Leigh directs. Brenda Blethyn as the basilisk.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Down Below.

Steven Segal as goblet.

"How Green Was My Valley Of The Dolls."

"...MAUREEN O'HAAAARAAAAAAAAA!"

Thanks anon. The Naruse retro was a labor of love and a real revelation. I was hooked from the first (with When a Woman Ascends the Stairs) and even made two separate day trips down to DC to check out two of his works that weren't at Film Forum. Took me long enough to complete that feature. I hope I can see the rest that exist someday soon.

Right now, trying to do the same for Rivette. Love your and everyone else's title contributions here. Keep 'em coming.

There could also be:

Bridge on the River Kwai Runs Through It - Fly-fishing and the futility of war

Stroker Ace Ventura - Oh the hilarity...

Dirty Dancing As Fast As I Can - After a failed attempt to end her addiction to prescription meds cold turkey, Jill Clayburgh is institutionalized in the Catskills, where Patrick Swayze shows her how to raunch the pain away.

Asphalt Jungle Fever - An interracial affair is complicated by prejudice and double-dealing jewelry thieves.

Rosemary's Baby Boom - City slicker Diane Keaton is at first dismayed to find out that she has "inherited" satan's spawn. But after moving to the country, she learns to love the little devil.

Fantastic Voyage of the Damned - Hundreds of Jewish Germans are shattered to discover that the ship they're on is not, in fact, headed safely to Cuba, but has instead been injected into the bloodstream of a Nazi soldier. Um... I crossed the line here didn't I?

A Thin Red Chorus Line - The battle at Guadalcanal just got a whole lot tougher--you leave, and you're out! With music by Marvin Hamlisch...

Ulee's Goldfinger - James Bond discovers his new nemesis is a seemingly mild-mannered beekeeper.

Oh, and also: Driving Miss Daisy Miller

Stranger Than Pulp Fiction- An ordinary tax accountant (Will Ferrell) starts hearing the squeaky, annoying voice of the writer (Quentin Tarantino) who plans to kill him in the most horrible way possible.

Stand and Deliverance- A teacher in the barrio (Edward James Olmos) has a special punishment planned for the kids who didn't pass the math exam! He sends them down the Chatahoochie River in a canoe. Ned Beatty appears, in a nice bit of stunt casting, as one of the mountain men.

Coming HOME- A frigid wife (Jane Fonda) meets a loose-tongued paraplegic war veteran (Stephen T. Neave) at a party in a Brooklyn house. Directed by you-know-who.

Night of the Deer Hunter- The man from the draft board (Robert Mitchum) comes to take the "Chillllll-drennnnn" to Vietnam.

Attack of the 50-Foot Woman Of The Year- The Great Kate stars as a newspaper woman who, after investigating a story at the local power plant, grows to an enormous size. Rally she does.

Ride With The Devil In Miss Jones- After dealing with all that sweaty, hot cowboy man love, Ang Lee crafts the first porno Western. Starring Jenna Jameson, Heather Hunter, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Ron Jeremy and Arnold Schlong. Special appearance by the Odienator.

EC: Match Point of No Return: A tennis pro tries to take care of a troublesome mistress, unaware that she's actually been trained as an assassin.

I wish this is the movie I saw instead of Match Point!

God, how could we forget Altman:

McCabe and Mrs. Miller's Crossing: John McCabe begs like a baby on his knees in the snow, and Gabriel Byrne spares his life because he's secretly hooked on opium with Julie Christie.

Brewster McCloud: Bud Cort leaves Houston to become a police detective in the big city.

3 Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown.

Pret-a-Night-Porter: Charlotte Rampling offers up a shocking new look for the spring runway collections!

The Long Goodbye Girl: Richard Dreyfuss moves in with Elliot Gould. Hilarity ensues.

Crashville: Paul Haggis pens the sequel to Nashville, transplanted to L.A.

C*R*A*S*H: After Haggis' second Best Picture Oscar for Crashville, he pens a sequel to the sequel, this time set among irreverent surgeons in an Iraq triage unit.

The O.C. and Stiggs: Altman, unpredictable as ever, returns to TV.

The Popeye of Laura Mars: Olive Oyl becomes a glamorous fashion photographer stalked by a deranged Bluto.

I Pity The Fool for Love! Clubber Lang falls hard for Kim Basinger.

And finally, Cher sings the new Altman theme song: Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves Like Us!

And, as Austin Powers said, I'm spent!

Films I'd like to see:

His Girl Freaky Friday

The Maltese Falcon and the Snowman

The Trouble With Dirty Harry

I Was a Male War Bride of
Frankenstein

Memphis Belle de Jour

The Father of the Bride Wore Black

The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T. and the Women

It's a Wonderful Life of Brian

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Max

Ashes and Diamonds Are Forever

Stop or My Mom Will Shoot the Piano Player

The Man Who Knew Too Much Shot Liberty Valance

The Last Waltz of the Torreadors

The Dog Star Man Who Fell to Earth

The Brother From Another Planet of the Apes

Austin Powers, ay?

1) Austin Powers: International Man of the Mystery of Kaspar Hauser: Every Man For Himself and God Against All That Jazz

2) Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me, Myself and Irene

3) Austin Powers in Goldmember of the Wedding

"This Gun for M. Hire"

A sad lonely middle-aged voyeur, after watching his pretty young neighbor cover up for a murder her boyfriend has committed, is inspired to become a mafia hit man and later teams up with the perky showbiz girlfriend of the existentially haunted Parisian detective who is investigating him for the one murder he didn't commit. Watch for the ironic homage to Peter Pan at the end.

"The Magnificent Seven Brides for Seven Brothers"

After their American mail-order brides are kidnapped by backwoods bumpkins in 1850s Oregon, desperately horny Japanese villagers hire seven hungry gunslingers to retrieve them. This classic film is noted for its painstaking historical detail and poignant existential humanism, interspersed with lively song-and-dance numbers celebrating the joys of white slavery.

"The Dreamlife of Angels in the Outfield"

Two young women, one cynical and hard-bitten, the other naive and open-hearted, slave away at dreary factory jobs in northern France, praying that their beloved California Angels might one day win the pennant. All looks hopeless until celestial angels appear before the two women and assure them that their prayers have finally been answered. Heartwarming family fare. Watch for the ironic homage to Peter Pan at the end.

Odienator: Re: "Coming HOME." Steven Neave's gonna call me any minute now and go, "Bro, you gotta write this."

This is a great thread. Here are some more.


My Dinner With Andrei Rublev


Paris, Texas is Burning

Tokyo Story of the Late Chrysanthemums

Trouble Every Day the Earth Stood Still

Star Wars Episode I: THe Phantom Menace to Society

JFK-Pax

Peeping Tom Jones

Batmandingo

Ashes and Diamonds Are Forever

Whatever Happened to Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend?

From Here To Eternity and a Day

Twelve Angry Men With Guns

The Taste of Cherry Falls

The Maltese Falcon and the Snowman

Chinatown and Country

Keith: re: "Austin Powers: International Man of the Mystery of Kaspar Hauser: Every Man For Himself and God Against All That Jazz."

Directed by Lina Wertmuller. Fight choreography by Yuen-Woo Ping.

THLRB - Those Altman ones are outstanding!

"Apocalypse Now, Voyager" A psychiatrist sends repressed socialite Bette Davis on a dangerous mission upriver to regain her self esteem with the help of dreamy Col. Kurtz

"Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Walk with Me" I have no idea what this would be.

"Charlie Varrick and the Temple of Doom" Charlie goes on the run after a bank robbery-gone-bad and ends up rescuing thousands of orphans from an Indian cult.

"Cape Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas"

"Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves Like Us"

"Midnight in the Garden of Good and the Evil Dead"

"Lawrence of Fantasia" TE Lawrence leads an army of cartoon animals, brooms, and abstract shapes against the invading orchestra of Leopold Stakowski

Some more:


The American Astronaut’s Wife

Capricorn One From the Heart

The Red Shoes of the Fisherman

Breaking and Entering 2: Electric Boogaloo

Lessons of Darkness Falls

F.I.S.T.S in the Pocket

Uncle Chuck and Buck

Clear and Present Danger: Diabolik

The Unbearable Lightness of Being John Malkovich

last one -- gotta get back to work.

What Lies Beneath the Planet of the Apes

‘Night, Mother Night

48 Hrs of the Wolf

Sweet Sweetback’s Baddasssss Song of Bernadette

The Double Life of Veronica Guerin

L’Avventurra of Buckaroo Banzai

Séance on a Dog Day Afternoon

The Ox-Bow Incident at Loch Ness

Nenette et Bonnie and Clyde

Letter From an Unknown Woman in the Dunes

The Importance of Being Earnest Goes to Camp

My Own Private Benjamin

The Ruling Class of ‘84

Scenes from the Marriage of Maria Braun

That Obscure Object of My Affection

"Jacob's Ladder 49"

Cocky young firefighter is trapped in burning building as colleagues try to rescue him...but is he already dead...and is this hell?

"Northfork by Northwest"

This hauntingly beautiful if rather slow-moving fable, set in Mount Rushmore in 1955, depicts the evacuation of Roger Thornhill and Eve Kendall from Thomas Jefferson's hair, and is actually a powerful metaphor for the soul's evacuation from Thomas Jefferson's hair.

What are, indeed, the Lessons of Darkness Falls?

One from television that just tickles me:

24 Simple Rules... for Dating My Teenage Daughter: The perfect vehicle for Jack and Kim Bauer.

And more Herzog:

The Wild Blue Velvet Yonder

Grizzly Man Who Knew Too Little: Kinda true when you think about it.

Harold & Kumar Go to the White Diamond Castle

Wheel of Time After Time

Little Dieter Needs to Super Fly T.N.T.

Of course:

Scenes from the Class Struggle in Beverly Hills Cop and a Half: Axel Foley (Donkey) goes up against Paul Bartel and his La La Land socialites, with an assist from Burt Reynolds and a cute kid. Directed by Henry Winkler. Written by Akiva Goldsman. Special appearance by Judge Reinhold.

Big Trouble in Little China Syndrome: Kurt Russell and Jane Fonda team up for a supernatural martial arts message picture.

Silkstalkingswood: Meryl Streep does late nite USA softcore.

Adam n:Sweet Sweetback’s Baddasssss Song of Bernadette

Now THIS I want to see!

Bernadette (Mary J. Blige) has a strange vision of a man (Mario Van Peebles) running and running and running in a field. No one else can see him but her, so the rest of the 'hood think Bernadette is "touched in the head." Contains the Oscar winning song by Blige, Bono, the Wu-tang Clan and the Four Tops entitled "Baadasssss Bernadette."

How about:

From Beyond the Valley of the Dolls- A mad scientist (James Woods) creates a machine that allows big-breasted women to see into another dimension using their mammary glands. Unfortunately, this brings back boob-obsessed aliens from that dimension. Directed by Stuart Gordon, written by Roger Ebert.

One more:

Whatever Happened To Bringing up Baby Jane

Blanche: You wouldn't treat me this way if I weren't chained to this leopard!

Jane: But ya aaaaah, Blanche! Ya aaaah chained to that leopard!!

Keith: Silkstalkingswood: Meryl Streep does late nite USA softcore.

She fakes it in 16 different accents!

Last one, promise:

Salo, or How to Lose a Guy in 28 Days Later...": Kate Hudson and fascists! ... And zombies! ... And the circle of...

"Jane: But ya aaaaah, Blanche! Ya aaaah chained to that leopard!!"

...Fecking brilliant.

nobody hit orson welles yet? how about:

sympathy for the lady from shanghai
the third man who wasn't there
touch of evil dead

"Red Dawn of the Dead"

Plucky Montana teens show true grit when Communist zombies invade their local shopping mall.

"Fucking Amahl and the Night Visitors"

Yet another fucking nativity story featuring more goddamn shepherds. Jesus Christ!

Imagine your own plots for these; it's pretty easy if you ask me:

The Magnificent Seventh Seal

Apocalypse Now, Voyager

Boyz N the Hood: Prince of Thieves

Westworld Side Story

Celine and Julie Go to White Castle

American Pie X

Branded to Kill a Mockingbird

Wild Strawberries at Heart

A Night of the Living Dead at the Opera

Stop Making Sense or My Mom Will Shoot!

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man

Casablacula

The Pink Panther Panchali

Osterman Weekend at Bernies

Way Down East of Eden

Riding in Cars with the Boys from Brazil

Good Will Hunting for Red October

TWELVE ANGRY MONKEYS - A time-traveling Henry Fonda struggles to prevent disturbed scientist Lee J. Cobb from unleashing a deadly virus in a crowded jury deliberation room! But wait...why does Fonda remember seeing all this before, as a child? And isn't the virus innocent until proven deadly? Special appearance Jack Klugman as a sinister homeless man who may or may not be a hallucination.

"Eragon in 60 Seconds"

In his homeland of Alagaesia, a retired master car thief happens upon a dragon's egg --a discovery that leads him on a predestined journey, during which he must steal 50 cars with his crew in one night in order to save his brother from being killed by an evil king.

"The Pumpkinhead Eater"

When a middle-aged woman (Anne Bancroft) with an addiction to childbearing is run over by a gang of irresponsible teenaged bikers and made infertile, she summons a demon named Pumpkinhead (James Mason) to stalk the young rapscallions one by one, until each has been terrorized into raising his SAT score & GPA and gotten into a good school.

"Critical Care Bears Movie"

Sidney Lumet's heartwarming family film about an overprotected young boy who knows only what he sees on those wholesome children's television shows approved by Mommy and Daddy. As a result, he is severely mauled when he attempts to embrace the polar bears at the zoo, under the mistaken belief that they are friendly Care Bears who want to take him on a magical adventure. Now the boy is in a persistent vegetative state and kept alive by machines. Werner Ernst (James Spader) is a young hospital resident who becomes embroiled in a legal battle between the boy's now-divorced parents. But are they really fighting over their son's care, or over his $10 million estate? Meanwhile, Werner must contend with his nutty supervisor (Albert Brooks), who insists that Care Bears really do exist and that they dwell in a magical land high in the clouds and care deeply for the human children on Earth, whom they watch through huge telescopes and come to help whenever there is need. Can Werner sidestep the hospital's legal team and do what's best for the patient?

Close Encounters of the Third Man
F is for Funny Face
The Tin Drums Along the Mohawk
Hollow Man of the Year
JFKalifornia

Match Point of No Return: A tennis pro tries to take care of a troublesome mistress, unaware that she's actually been trained as an assassin.

That does sound better than Match Point. Anything would, I think.

Match Point Break: A pro surfer (Keanu Reeves) wants to rid himself of a troublesome mistress (Scarlett Johannsen), who has begun robbing banks while wearing a Hilary Clinton mask. Like whoaaa, dude.

A few more:

My Breakfast at Tiffany's with Blassie -

Holly Golightly enjoys a scintillating exchange with former wrestler Fred Blassie. Special guest appearance by Bob Zmuda as the random vomiter.

Whatever Happened to Baby Jane Eyre?

The Eyes of Laura Mars Attacks!

The Apartment Zero

Happy Birthday to Me, Myself, and I

Cat People on a Hot Tin Roof

The Fisher King Ralph

The River Wild Orchid

Tea and Sympathy for the Devil

Pitch Black Narcissus

Radio Days of Wine and Roses

Man, this could go on forever!

"On A Clear Day You Can See No Evil"

Barbra Streisand is hypnotized and regressed to a past life, where she discovers that she used to be a reclusive psychopath named Jacob Goodnight who holed himself away in a rotting old hotel and murdered any promiscuous teenagers who were so foolish as to enter his creepy domain. (Musical/Horror)

"Man, this could go on forever!"

And it probably will. Stop me before I write again.

One more for tonight:

"West Side Storytelling"

Todd Solondz's updating of Leonard Bernstein's musical updating of William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. The setting is changed to the present-day academic turf wars at Columbia U. as the dominant Humanist gang fends off its trendy rival The Pomos. Complications ensue when Vi (Selma Blair), the genteel white daughter of the Humanist gang leader, falls for the notorious black Pomo gangster Mr. Scott (Robert Wisdom). With the help of Professor Lawrence (Paul Giamatti) of the Religious Studies Department, the two lovers plan to fake their deaths and escape to neutral territory in the History Department. But the best-laid schemes gang aft agley.... Hit songs include "I Feel Privileged" and "Akrasia".

START THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS WITHOUT ME - Gene Wilder and Donald Sutherland play two pairs of long-lost twin brothers who end up co-directing a tedious, disappointing sci-fi sequel that even they can't bear to sit through. Orson Welles makes a posthumous SKY-CAPTAIN-style cameo appearance in the film-within-the-film via repurposed footage from TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE.

THEY LIVE, DON'T THEY? - Struggling to win some much-needed prize money during the Great Depression, Roddy Piper and David Keith spend days, weeks, and eventually months beating the living crap out of each other in a grueling endurance contest.

"START THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS WITHOUT ME - Gene Wilder and Donald Sutherland play two pairs of long-lost twin brothers who end up co-directing a tedious, disappointing sci-fi sequel that even they can't bear to sit through."

I think we have a winner!

- the other anonymous

Damn, this game is addicting.

"Gone with the Wind and the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe"

When the feisty Southern belle Scarlett O'Hara (Vivian Leigh) is kidnapped by a Berber chieftain named Aslan (Sean Connery), four generic British children with Received Pronunciation and no knowledge of American history stupidly transport themselves via a magic wardrobe to Gettysburg, PA, to fight for the Noble Cause of Southern Independence and are promptly gunned down by the advancing Union troops. Based on the classic novel by C. S. Mitchell.

"The Eternal Sunshine Boys of St. Vincent"

Two elderly vaudeville comedians, whose 20-year working relationship was so traumatic that they each had their memories of it erased, end up in the same old-folks home, run by a sexually abusive priest.

"The Emperor's Naked and Dead Army Marches On"

Landmark, controversial documentary follows WWII vet Norman Mailer around as he confronts publishers, critics, and booksellers and pummels them until they tell him what really happened to his literary reputation.

What plots for these suggestions?

Sex, Lies and Videodrome
The Fast and The Fury
A Simple Plan 9 from Outer Space
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures in Babysitting
Lilya 4Ever Young

No, dude, you've gotta come up with your own synopses.

"Waist Deep Throat"

An ex-convict gets tangled up with a gang after his car is hijacked with his inflatable Linda Lovelace doll in the trunk.

"Raise the Red Dragonslayer"

A beautiful Chinese concubine is menaced by a shy harelipped serial killer until a resurrected wizard pulls a suicide-bombing on his ass.

"Remember the Clash of the Titans?"

A recently integrated Virginia high-school football team tries to recall the details of that Ray Harryhausen flick--you know, the one with that really hot guy from L.A. Law?

Last ones.

"The Bad French Lieutenant Wore Skirts"

Story-within-a-story about an actor (Jeremy Irons) who prepares for his role as a transvestite French Foreign Legion officer by going to New York to hang out with a self-destructive alcoholic policeman (Harvey Keitel) who's investigating the rape of a young nun. Unable to manage even a moderately credible French accent, Irons despondently begins a torrid but doomed love affair with Keitel--an affair that precisely mirrors the one in the movie he's about to star in.

"Romy and Michele's High School Confidential"

Ditzy pals Romy and Michele attend their high school reunion only to discover that all the kool kats are now smoking those scary marijuana cigarettes. Out of foolish curiosity, they try a few puffs and have to learn the hard way that "if you flake around with the weed, you'll end up using the harder stuff". This is a movie with a message, Daddy-O.

"When A Pretty Woman Under the Influence Ascends the Stairway to Heaven"

When a spunky, fresh-faced Hollywood hooker (Julia Roberts) marries a handsome business tycoon (Tatsuya Nakadai), it looks as if they'll live happily ever after. But upon returning disgracefully unscathed from a bombing run that should have ended in his magnificent self-immolation for the glory of the Divine Emperor, Nakadai is put on trial to decide his fate. After it is determined that, as punishment, Nakadai must divorce his current wife and honor his long-ago marriage proposal to a widowed Ginza bar hostess (Hideko Takamine), Roberts starts drinking heavily and quickly comes unhinged. For the sake of their children and the family honor, Nakadai has Roberts committed to an insane asylum.

THE FAST BLADE RUNNER - Harrison Ford runs naked across an ice field with cyborg Rutger Hauer in hot pursuit. Somehow this takes three hours. Available in English-subtitled Inuit or overdubbed with second-rate Bogart impersonations.

Late, but whatever.

'Blue Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow Never Dies'
'Grizzly Man of the Year': Workaholic stockbroker Russell Crowe goes camping in the Alaskan wilderness, and learns to appreciate the simpler things in life. Then he gets eaten by a bear. Real crowd-pleaser.
'Three Kings and I'
'How High Noon': Sherriff Redman and Deputy Method Man have until noon to round up a posse to help them defend the town from the newly paroled felon who's returning for revenge.
'American History Jason X'
'Talladega Nights of the Living Dead'
'28 Days Later': Upon getting released from rehab, Sandra Bullock is stunned to find that things have gone terribly wrong. Now she has to fight both the zombies, and the shakes. Inspired by my brother, who actually got these 2 films confused.
'Black Dog Soldiers'
'The Man with the Golden Guns of Navarone'
'Over the Top Secret'
'The Hills Have Eyes on the Prize'
'Live and Let Live and Die in L.A.'
'Flags of Our Fathers of the Bride': 2 Gay WW2 vets prepare for the wedding of their adopted daughter.

Best thread I've discovered yet on a really slow, pre-Christmas work day.

How about these?
Jules and Gymkata: Existential martial arts epic starring Olympic gold medalist, Kurt Thomas

Blue Velveteen Rabbit - A heart-warming family tale begins when Kyle MacLachlan finds a severed rabbit ear in a field.

The Spider-Man Who Knew Too Much - Young Peter Parker becomes embroiled in a spy game. Co-starring Doris Day.

Apocalype Now, Voyage - Bette Davis meets young, disaffected vet Martin Sheen on a cruise up the Mekong Delta. Love ensues as the bullets fly.

Broken Flowers in the Attic - On a journey of self-discovery, Bill Murray returns to woo his jilted ex-lover, Louise Fletcher, only to discover that she has imprisoned their love child in the attic.

Saving Private Benjamin - Tom Hanks leads a ragtag group of veteran soldiers deep behind enemy lines to free Goldie Hawn from the clutches of Eileen Brennan.

Some other titles

All About My Mother, Juggs, and Speed
The Wedding Banquet Crashers
The Clan of the Bad News Bears
The Maltese Falcon and the Snowman
Greystoke: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

People gotta read a little closer - is there really any need in the world for THREE "Apocalypse Now, Voyager" suggestions? Sheesh!

I kind of want to see "The Eternal Sunshine Boys of St. Vincent."

But I really wish I'd never read the phrase "American Pie X," because it unfortunately conjures images of an angry bald Ed Norton pumping a pie while blasting death metal music.

Dammit, I totally missed that first "Apocalypse Now, Voyager" somehow! (I was the second person to write it.) I guess there just aren't that many movie titles that contain "Now". Personally I would've cast Bette Davis in the Kurtz role, but that's just me. "Don't let's ask for the moon, when we have the horror...the horror..."

Ah, hell, as long as I'm typing:

OLDJOY - In this gently understated character study, Daniel London begins to realize just how much he and his old friend Will Oldham have drifted apart as he watches Oldham eat a live octopus, cut off his own tongue, and single-handedly fight off 20 thugs with a hammer.

Ice Station Zebrahead - interracial cold war romance in an arctic weatherstation.

The Man Who Would Be King of Comedy - cockney soldiers kidnap a late night talk show host, but when they find out he's a mason, they worship him as a god.

A Braveheart in Winter - bluefaced scottish rebel falls for beautiful young concert violinist but is too timid to express his true feelings, so he bares his arse at soldiers and has himself strapped down and disembowelled.

Apocalypse Now and Again: In which four twelve year old girls (Christina Ricci, Thora Birch, Gaby Hoffman, and Ashleigh Aston Moore) go up a jungle river in search of their friend Kurtz (Devon Sawa) and inexplicably morph into Rosie O'Donnell, Melanie Griffith, Demi Moore, and Rita Wilson.

Other Apocalypse Now's (descriptions if you care):

Monty Python's And Apocalypse Now for Something Completely Different

Look Who's Talking Apocalypse Now

Richard Pryor... Here and Apocalypse Now

Apocalypse Now with Bill Moyers

Keith: I like "Look Who's Talking Apocalypse Now." I picture Kurtz being played by the baby, with Bruce Willis' voice. The horror.

And that should be Apocalypse Now and Then, though fans of the Glenn Gordon Caron television series are certainly welcome to try out their own descriptors on Apocalypse Now and Again.

"Life as a House by the Cemetery"
Kevin Kline is a terminally-ill architect who wants to reconnect with his son... by making a deal with an undead, zombified doctor.

"Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King of New York"
Aragorn (Christopher Walken) decides to use his reign as King of Gondor to consolidate the drug cartels of Middle Earth and fund an inner-city hobbit hospital.

"Remains of the Day of the Dead"
As the world is overrun by zombies, a loyal butler attends to an increasingly unhinged military officer.

"Star 80 Wars"
When Luke Skywalker(Eric Roberts) and Dorothy Stratten(Carrie Fisher) are recruited to destroy a world-destroying satellite, Luke becomes jealous of the integral role Dorothy plays to the Rebel Alliance's plan and freezes her in carbonite.

"The Cemetery Man Who Killed Don Quixote"
As Terry Gilliam's dream project falls apart, Rupert Everett indulges in self-pity and kills zombies.

"Cross of Iron Giant"
A Wehrmacht unit trapped behind Soviet lines captures a boy and his giant metal robot.

"The Incredibles Journey"
Three super-powered pets are abandoned by society and must find their way home.

"Henry V: The Portrait of a Serial Killer"
Kenneth Branagh plays a murderer whose depravity allows him to conquer France and make inspirational speeches.

"Evil Dead Presidents"
When a bank heist goes wrong, a Vietnam vet and his pals turn into zombies.

"True Westworld"
A screenwriter receives an unwelcome visit from his ne'er-do-well brother, a robotic gunfighter.

"The Wild Brady Bunch": The Bradys go to Mexico on vacation, get caught up in a revolution, and eventually all get killed in slo-mo shootout.

"All Reservoir Dogs go to Heaven": Tarantino's extremely controversial foray into childrens' films. Contains the infamous 'neutering' scene.

"Man of the House of 1000 Corpses": A Texas Ranger (Tommy Lee Jones) is assigned to live with a group of college cheerleaders who witnessed a murder and protect them. Little does he know their secret-they're the most prolific serial killers in America.

"The Thing You Do!": An up-and-coming pop band is determined to assimilate everyone into its fanbase.

"Terminator 2: Judgment Day of the Dead": Cyborgs vs. Zombies.

"The Lost Weekend at Bernie's": When their boss dies of alcohol poisoning while binge drinking, 2 men must pretend he's still alive, and admit they have a problem.

A Bridge Too Far and Away - American, Polish and British military stage a complicated parachute and armoured assault on bareknuckle boxing in 1890s Oklahoma. Tom Cruise is cast against type as an Irish Wehrmacht officer.

Forever Young Guns - In 1939, six young movie stars ask their best friend to have them frozen so that they won't have to watch their careers slowly die. In 1992, they are thawed out in time to star in a derivative western that capitalizes on their Hollywood family connections.

Milk Money Train - Two brothers (Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes), who work as transit cops, decide to hire a hooker (Jennifer Lopez) to marry their widowed father. But in order to pay for the wedding they first have to steal the "money train," which carries the New York Subway's weekly revenue.

The Philadelphia Story of O - The beautiful O (Katherine Hepburn) is taken by her boyfriend, Rene (Cary Grant), to a bizarre retreat, where she is trained in bondage and sexual perversion. Rene discharges a personal debt by transferring possession of O to his step-brother, Sir Stephen (James Stewart).

"The Taking of Pelham One Two Three ...Extremes"
A group of J-horror directors decide to hijack a New York subway train as payback for bad American remakes of their films.

"Do the Right Thing You Do!"
A '60's rock band throws a drum set through a pizzeria's window.

"The 25th Hours"
Virginia Woolf has 24 hours before she commits suicide, and decides to spend it exploring post 9-11 NYC.

"She's the Man in the Iron Mask"
Amanda Bynes disguises herself as the French King's identical twin, but then finds herself falling in love with D'Artangan. Comedy and costume drama ensues.

"The Return of the Living Dead Jedi"
Send...more...stormtroopers.

"Point Blank Check"
Somebody's going to pay Walker(Lee Marvin). Even if it ends up being a little kid.

It's a Wonderful Lifeless Ordinary People - Holiday classic about Conrad (Ewan MacGregor), a scruffily adorable janitor in the little town of Bedford Falls, who learns the true meaning of Christmas when he kidnaps his boss's daughter (Donna Reed) in retaliation for being fired and replaced by a robot. After he botches a suicide attempt, his frigid WASP parents reluctantly pray for intercession, so heaven sends down its best therapist, the cherubic Dr. Clarence Potter (Judd Hirsch), whose charmingly confrontational sessions manage to boost Conrad's self-esteem enough for him to move out of his parent's house and lose his virginity to his grateful hostage. Two curious angels (Delroy Lindo, Holly Hunter) are allowed to watch the deflowering process after they show Conrad how awful life in Bedford Falls would have been if he hadn't kidnapped his new girlfriend.

The Good German Shepherd

Damon, Clooney, OSS, postwar Germany, gratuitous Rin Tin Tinn reference, etc. Mix and match the plot elements according to whimsy. You know the drill.