By Odienator.
As the OLDienator prepares to attend his 20 year high school reunion, he would like to nostalgically return you to the days of your high school English classes. Remember when the English teacher came to class one day, spouting weird Japanese words through a Cheshire Cat smile that seemed more sadistic than usual? Something about haiku, and how you were going to read 15 million of them and interpret every single one? You may remember saying afterward that if you ever saw another haiku, you might commit hari-kari.
Well, put that sword down! Haiku can be fun.
For the uninitiated, a haiku is an unrhymed three line poem in a 5-7-5 meter. The first line has five syllables, the second has seven, and the third has five. For example:
At The House Next Door
"The New World" is so worshipped!
But I fart in church.
Here are five haiku about movies, movie characters, and celebrities. They come with one caveat: If you read them, you have to respond in kind. After all, this is virtual nostalgia English class. You knew there'd be homework. 
1.
An offer they made
that he couldn't refuse: Why
Brando did "The Score."
2.
You were a woman
Until you dropped your knickers.
Oh well. Since I'm here...
3.
White Men Can't Jump, and
According to "Footloose," they
cannot dance either.
4.
A new jack singer
Is outacted by a cat.
Welcome to "Glitter."
5.
BrAngelina and
TomKat? Go back 40 years
And you'll find LizArd!
Saturday, April 22, 2006
5 for the day: haiku
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41 comments:
1. "Miller's Crossing" --
Johnny Casper sez:
When whacking yeggs, you always
Put one in the brain.
2. "Close Encounters"
Mashed potatoes, clay,
Shaving cream, pillow mountains:
Hey, this means something.
3. "Planet of the Apes"
Apes everywhere. Why?
The answer lies face down in
the sand: Liberty.
4. "M."
Come here, little child.
I have some candy for you.
I can't help myself!
5. "8 1/2"
My haiku will be
The last word on a subject
To be named later.
Dear Oldienator
twenty years gone by and still
Haiku on the mind
The challenge becomes
to speak only with Haiku
at your Reunion
"Total Recall"
You weren't Quaid. You were
Really Hauser. Your life on
Earth was all bullshit.
"Dancing ain't fucking!"
Nomi learns that, but misses that
Pouting ain't acting.
Most offensive film?
"Castrated Blair Underwood"
Just Cause really blows
Identities blur
Am I me or am I him?
Fun on!, in Face/Off
"The Exorcist"
When I said that child
Had the devil in her, I
Meant literally!
Ragging Bull
Some say it's about
Boxing. In the ring, really
It's about PSYCHO.
It tops all the lists,
But how many really think
"Yes, it spoke to me"?
Much wasted effort
To never escape that hole-
Golfball disappears.
"Did you fuck my wife?"
He just keeps on repeating
"Did you fuck my wife?"
Wahlberg as Diggler
Does De Niro as Jake does
Brando as Terry.
Wow, five haiku on one movie. And critical, too!
Wagstaff, your haiku
Was a great piece of critique.
Man, I'm scared of you!
Crash:
If you write a script
That has racists but not gays
Best Picture is yours.
Any 80's horror movie:
Don't open that door
Half naked blonde co-ed chick!
You'll French Kiss an axe.
I'm sick as a dog.
Strep Throat's trying to kill me.
So no more haiku!
MZS: Who knew that Ah-nold's famous phrase from Total Recall was haiku?!
Adam, is Just Cause the movie where Ed Harris says "I push the buttons to make YOUUUUUU do the dance?"
Michael, your suggestion is great! But I am sure I would be beaten to a pulp if I spoke only in haiku. Limericks on the other hand...
"Do the Right Thing"
Act one agitates.
Act two complicates. Act three
Is all combustion.
My friend has been doing this for years.
http://handwashings.blogspot.com/2006/01/movies-2005.html
His other lists are here.
http://balgavy.com/movies/movies2004mitch.html
http://balgavy.com/movies/movies2003mitch.html
http://balgavy.com/movies/movies2002mitch.html
I hope he's okay with me posting these in this space.
Wow, that's definitely a haiku fanatic.
This is a great pastime, though. In fact, for many years the Star-Ledger's Sunday TV book, Scanner, used to publish a TV-related haiku each week. I'd occasionally contribute. One of mine ran under photos of Daniel Benzali from "Murder One," Andre Braugher from "Homcide" and Patrick Stewart from "Star Trek: The Next Generation." It read:
Hoffman, Pembleton,
Picard. Proof that righteousness
Is the best toupee.
"War of the Worlds"
Nothing so horrid
As a child who screams and screams
Again and again.
Peter:
From Duel till today
Spielberg’s known the worst is when
you’re shocked to silence.
1.
Michael’s the baby
till he keeps his hand steady
at the hospital.
2.
You be Will Munny.
You’ve killed women and children.
BAMM! BLAMM! BANG! KER-PLOW!!
3.
Sister and daughter?
This town’s built on corruption.
Forget it Jake, &tc.
4.
Teens have sex, Jason
kills them gorily. Repeat
ad infinitum.
5.
Swept Away by an
Unusual Destiny
in the Blue...oops, done.
Odie, I believe so. But it's not a movie I'll sit through again to check. It's like they already had a bad-enough script, and then someone said, "Hey! How about including one of those creepy Lecter types for an interrogation?"
The Deep Blue Sea (1999):
The sharks sure are smart
Samuel L. gives rousing speech . . .
Holy shit! Speech cut short.
ADAM! THIS IS SAMUEL L. JACKSON!
YOUR HAIKU HAS 18 MUTHAFUCKIN' SYLLABLES! DON'T MAKE ME SEND ONE OF THESE SNAKES FROM THE MUTHAFUCKIN' PLANE TO YOUR HOUSE!
I'M NOT YELLING! I TALK LIKE THIS! AIN'T YOU SEEN MY MOVIES? I GOT A HAIKU FOR YOU!
Of course they deserved
to die! And I hope they burn
in hell...um...fucka!
I wrote a bunch of haiku reviews in 1998, back when I was still a nonpro and was quixotically trying to address every single movie I saw. My favorite was for Alex Proyas' Dark City:
Better than The Crow
But then, I mean, jesus christ,
It'd have to be.
Odie: oops! Let me revise --
The sharks sure are smart
Samuel L. gives rousing speech . . .
Shit! Speech cut in half.
I just realized that my favorite one-sentence review of a movie works as haiku. This is my friend Ken Cancelosi on seeing Penny Marshall's RENAISSANCE MAN.
"Without exception,
The single most boring thing
I've done in a chair."
MZS: This is my friend Ken Cancelosi on seeing Penny Marshall's RENAISSANCE MAN.
Awesome! I got thrown out of a test screening of the exact same movie! They had a discussion panel afterward, and I got on it. After my comments, the Touchstone lady said "who the hell are you? The Black Gene Siskel? Get him out of here."
It seems that Marky Mark movies always get me into trouble!
1. "Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan"
"Needs of the many
outweigh the needs of the few..."
"Or the one." Bye, Spock.
2. "Cache"
Who's sending the tapes?
It doesn't matter, because
It's an art-house film.
3. "Jaws"
"Screw around with these
and they're going to blow up!"
Ah, foreshadowing.
4. "The Sixth Sense"
Bruce Willis is dead
But he doesn't know it yet.
I saw it coming.
5. "Last Days"
The guy's name is Blake,
he sings songs of Innocence.
Hey, we get it, Gus.
"Lost Highway"
..nobody knows where
This film begins or where it
Ends. Nobody knows...
Shaft (1971):
The Black private dick
Who's a sex machine to all
the chicks...ain't Odie.
All About Eve:
Addison De Witt
Survives Margo's bumpy night,
Sarcasm intact.
Sunset Blvd: Joe Gillis' take
Every gigolo
Alive or dead knows not to
Fuck the psycho ones.
Sunset Blvd: Norma Desmond's take
The pictures got small.
It was I who remained big.
At least, in my mind.
Match Point:
London's the place
And Scarlett's the femme fatale
In Woody's worst flick.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Hey, what's in this room?
Oh! A guy with a mallet!
Ow! That really smarts!
"They got snakes this big?"
First one amused, but really --
Anaconda TWO?
"It's not a too-mah"
No one remembers plot from
Kindergarten Cop
A friend and I started a dialogue concerning thematics/genre after my imprecise review of Spanglish. Our discussion follows (with ONE spoiler):
Me:
Sandler doesn't suck.
That's NOT Penelope Cruz.
Ending's why it flopped.
Her:
They really should stop
making movies about men
and women who cheat.
Me:
We agree: Match Point,
Spanglish, Closer, Unfaithful,
Beating a dead horse.
Her:
And with a snow globe
of all impossible things;
ridiculous death.
Kindergarten Cop:
Adam, the line I
Remember from that movie:
"Dis is my fyer-et!"
James Earl Jones:
He is the father
Of Luke, Akeem and Simba.
This guy gets around!
Gone With the Wind:
"Frankly, my dear, I
don't give a damn." But the Hays
Code certainly did.
Odienator:
The Simpsons did it!
Bleeding Gum's death episode.
"This is CNN".
Tiffany: A dialog in haiku. Sounds like the title of a lost Frank Zappa album.
Stroszeck:
Mad pimps in Deutschland
No riches in Wisconsin
Send electrician
Andrei Rublev:
Look I am flying
Naked pagans; Tartars kill
Hey let's make a bell
The Mirror:
Cure my stutter
Holy shit the newspaper!
Float above the bed
Code Unknown:
Binoche in a pool,
her child about to go splat!
S'okay, it's just a--
"The Player"
The pitch, in ten words:
Griffin Mill kills the writer,
and he steals his girl.
I can't quit. There's a
Persistent way haikus write
Themselves - Goldfinger:
Auric hates losing
At golf and canasta. He
Breaks pencil and kills.
A small patch at the
Base of the spine is needed
To let the skin breath.
Jill dies painted head
To toe - sister Tilly dies
Felled by Oddjob's hat.
Double O'Seven
Peers out of Fort Knox and then
Gets slammed by Pussy.
"Do you expect me
To talk?" "No, Mister Bond,
I expect you to die!"
PLEASE!...MUST...STOP
Before I attempt
An epic haiku cycle
On all the Bond films.
Wagstaff: If you're looking for somebody to advise you not to write self-pleasuring pop culture marginalia, you came to the wrong blog.
Besides -- damn, man. String all those haiku end-to-end and they have a strangely epic feel. I almost feel like there should be footnotes for future generations. Like T.S. Eliot writing for Entertainment Weekly.
Wagstaff, thank you for
Coming to my blog post and
Upstaging me, dude.
Your epic haiku--
that phrase an oxymoron--
Are eerily good.
Far be it from me
To wrest control back from you.
My kingdom is yours.
Of course, there's a catch.
The Odienator never
Surrenders sans one.
Provide me your take
On a hard flick to haiku.
Try Bergman or Lynch.
Oh, what have I done?
I have turned normal people
Into Haiku freaks.
On a prose-filled blog,
a misfit posse that is
not averse to verse.
In not opening
The pod bay doors, poor old HAL
Dies singing "Daisy."
Limberdicked fuckers
Wreak havoc on the gold fields
And one another
Rita can't recall
Is she Diane or Betty?
Club Silencio
My toddler demands
Attention, Odie, so here's
All I can do now.
The Virgin Spring
What began as faux
Kurosawa, next became
Last House on the Left.
Ingmar Bergman can
Mix comedy and drama
Like Woody wishes.
Some Lynch
Matt did Lost Highway,
And I'm just as stumped as he
Is - effective though.
Boy Scout dreams evil.
Perplexing what's scarier -
The dream or real thing?
Wagstaff, I hope your
toddler was attended to.
As for me, I'm fixed.
The Lion King:
The Odienator
Says Haiku-na Matata!
A really bad pun.
Candy:
Four Oscar Winners
And actors with Nineteen noms!
This movie still sucked!
The Straight Story:
It feels just like Lynch
But it actually makes sense.
I gave it four stars.
A Louis Malle Cycle:
Atlantic City:
Susan Sarandon!
You showed me your perfect breasts.
Puberty began.
Pretty Baby:
I know what did come
Between Brooke and her Calvins:
That Keith Carradine
Murmur of the Heart:
I really don't care
How the critics slice this one.
You don't shag your Mom.
Damage:
Je voudrais être
l'homme qui dit les mots français
"C'est l'amour fou!"
(Bet you weren't expecting the French!)
Okay, I'm done. That's
It. No more haikus for me.
Blue Velvet was hard!
Gotta stop with these
Fucking haikus or they'll turn
My mind into mush.
A human ear found
In the grass; we tunnel through
The infestation.
Neighbors were aghast
As Dorothy emerged bruised and
Naked from the night.
"A Heineken? Fuck
That shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon is
What you'll drink tonight!"
Sun-blazered cop stands
Erect, slightly teetering;
Behind him: his brains.
True happy ending?
Worm looks real, but robin looks
Animatronic.
Empty tank. Out of
Haiku gas. Sayonara
Haiku. I quit you.
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